For a long time, I struggled with being alone. Not in the romantic sense, but just in general with relationships and friendships. Since elementary school, I have been a very social person and a lot of people tended to gravitate towards me because of my personality. But everything was so much simpler before high school. I never had to worry about being personal with my friends or just trusting them on a deeper level because it was all about fun and games. The first year of high school was fine for me because I was such a social butterfly. I talked to everyone and made so many “friends” but a lot of that changed the next year. I still kept some of my friends but I started talking to fewer people, still a lot but I became a bit more reserved. At that point in my life, I was going through some personal things with my family and I had to make a lot of tough decisions that year.
All my life, I’ve really presented myself with a really strong exterior and I only like to be laughter and smiles around people because I don’t like to feel weak. I tend to only show two sides: assertive and fun. I hate crying in front of people. That is why is was hard for me to go to anyone about how I was feeling. I don’t even think my parents now this so they are probably finding out through this post. I used to silently cry myself to sleep for so many days that year. Whether it was because of something with my family or my many insecurities at that point of my life. Sophomore year was probably the worst year of my life (so far).
Junior year came around and it was already looking a little more up for me. At this point, my friend group got a lot smaller but, I was pretty happy with it. I was a little sad when one of my friends didn’t really talk to me or hang out with me at all for the first half of the year. But of course, me being me I didn’t tell the person how I felt (conceal don’t feel amirite). Anyways I would hang out with my friends occasionally, but not that much. The only problem with having a few friends is that you tend to get overly attached to them. I wasn’t necessarily “attached” but I remember always feeling insecure about my friendship with them. I would always wonder if they considered my as close of a friend as I do them. At times I found it obvious that they didn’t, and it hurt a lot to come to that realization, but I decided all that matters is we have a good time together. I also found myself getting jealous when they would always hang out with other people and it’s so stupid because I could literally text them and ask to hang out but then I feel like I am the only one trying to have this friendship and it’s just an endless circle. I don’t know if that makes any sense but it is exactly what was going through my head freshman year.
Finally, my senior year came around and things changed up a bit. I still had the same friends I had the previous year (minus one, she was still my friend but she moved on the college) but this time I found myself spending a lot of time with these two girls. I have been really close with one of them since freshman year but the other one was a fairly new edition. I knew her from sports we played together and we were friendly with each other but we never got very close until senior year. I am so freaking thankful for these two because they make me feel like I could trust them and be emotional with them. I got closer to them the second semester of senior year but we still got close during college app season too.
Winter break of senior year was really bad. I don’t really know why everything hit me so bad but it did. I didn’t hang out with any friends at all winter break; I wanted too but I don’t know what happened, I guess no plans followed through. That break was probably the loneliest I have ever felt. I just remember sitting on my bed and crying one day. It got to the point that I just felt depressed and like nothing was going right in my life. I then decided to go on a Young Life trip, to be with actual people and it really got my mind off things. I feel like it was God’s way of telling me everything will be okay. That’s when I realized how much I rely on school. I didn’t love the curriculum part but school gave me enough interaction not to feel lonely.
The second semester of my senior year continued on and things got a lot better for me. I continued to get closer to my two friends. And at the end of senior year, a group of boys popped into my life. I would’ve never expected to form a friendship with them but they are honestly the funniest people ever. Honestly, I love all my friends and am glad they came into my life. It is actually kind of funny because before senior year I had never had any guy friends and I rarely talked to guys because once upon a time I thought all guys were bullies and not good people (at least in high school) but that’s another story to tell.
Anyway, leading up to now, summer time. I see my friends occasionally but on most days I’m alone or with my family. And I’m okay with that. It took me a while to get to this place but I’m no longer jealous, insecure, or just overwhelmed about my friendships. I feel like part of it is just me letting God lead my life and just realizing everything happens for a reason, but a big portion of it is just me realizing that I am worthy of the people that are in my life and if they don’t want to hang out with me it’s their loss. I used to be so insecure that my friends would leave me but I now know that my real friends love me for me and would not have me any other way. For now, I’m good chillin on my own, but I know my friends always got my back. (It took a lot for me to put this all out here on the internet but I really want this blog to be a safe place for all my readers and for me as well. I hope this helps people in any way. feel free to always reach out to me for anything and comment down below if you would specifically like me to write about something more in depth!)